Confessions of a true self

This piece of writing is somewhere very disparate from my other writings, because i have never written an article in pessimism, my writings always have a ray of optimism in it, and always contains an element and teaching for a better tomorrow and a better way of living, but this article is somewhat shows you the mirror of my inner self(which is very unlike my "optimistic "I"). People says that the person who laughs a lot, entertains a lot, is the person very distressed and depressed inside,and this fact is completely true from every angle and that is my current situation.I was just thinking of writing this article since so long ,but i was so disinterested, and then I stretched my hand from writing this, because i caught by the fear of bringing my emotions here (this is the only thing i am very secretive about, i don't like when people sympathize with me, it gives me the sense of being a looser, who can't fight with their problems and brags off here all their worries in front of the masses),but now i have understood this thing and thank god that i have the ability to pen down my emotions, i can't trust people but i can trust this "my blogger buddy" very much and that will never going to break my trust and i can share everything with it.Now i want to begin with "confessions of a true self". These are the some of my problems which is upsetting me every day when i open my eyes in the morning.

INSECURITY:

Insecurities in your life makes you so devilish sometimes, and that what happens with me, there is one security which has gripped me so tightly and i couldn't come out of its shackles yet!, and i wonder when i will come out of it (i don't think i ll ever come out of it!) ,and that what makes me feel so isolated that i can't describe it in words, i consider myself as a distinct personality from others and i became what i should not supposed to be.I'm unlike that, which i became.My all girl friends are getting engaged or married, they upload pictures of their wedding on sites, i always wonder,, will i ever get married?? will i get the person i want.EVER?? or i have to compromise because i don't have something?.I'm confessing something, the last article which i have written "why marriage isn't a choice" i have written it out of insecurity, i want to get married and i want to have children , even i want to upload my pictures , even i wanna smile with no hesitation,just FOR once i wanna get the feel of being A PERFECT GIRL,but i know i'm not blessed with that.I always become insecure confronting people because i have this fear that people might catch my insecurity and they will embarrass me with that,and that what stops me from achieving so many  things which i would have achieved if i haven't been that insecured.

LONELY..

I don't know i got stucked by one song after writing this sub heading...."lonely i'm mr lonely, i have no buddy(song by akon)".Though i have lot and lot of friends, but still i feel hell lonely sometimes as if i don't have anyone left in this world, sometimes i just need someone so badly that i can't fall asleep.Sometimes i want to be in someone's arms and i feel like crying so loud.I want someone.I thought it is my needs because i'm young.,but no,things are different, i am so lonely because i'm tired of my present disturbances.I want a relationship now, i want someone because i'm lonely inside, there is no one to understand my problems and worries.I wanna have sex(NOT because i am desperate like a young girl) but, just to remove my loneliness and worries for some time, i wanna cry in someone's arms so that smell of his perfume and body will take everything from my mind for some minutes, i wanna have that feel that my life is important to someone.I want him even if he won't understand my problems.

DEPRESSED..

Completely!!!! from professional as well as personal life, i'm not be able to bear mental pressure anymore, everyday the same things keeps me depressed and that is the most irritating part, now i want some new issues , new problems and new relations.I don't feel like doing anything, i wake up in the morning always with a down feeling , then i motivate myself for the day and i get to work...why...?, i am putting weight, taking depression tests online, crying for no reasons , sometimes i m very strong and sometimes i cry on petty issues, like if someone talks to me sweetly, i cry(don't know why).When something positive happens with my friends and family, i feel very happy about them, but at the same time in  night i think the opposite ,that, why this isn't happening with me.I'm tired now!!!!

I WANT A NEW LIFE. I am no longer strong now, i want some positive events in my life, i want something so that i will value my life and it would become worth living.I wanna smile and laugh like never before, i want to love someone so unconditionally, i want to travel the whole world, i want to feel every best thing in life, i don't want get insecured , i don't want to be lonely, i don't want to be in a depressed state...God ji ARE YOU LISTENING.? if not then at least give me the power to deal with these three evils of my life..I know you are with me,thanks a lot for that,but now i want to thank you for some good reasons,some new reasons.I hope something good will happen with me soon that will change my life,waiting so desperately.